I usually write my best blog posts when I am feeling a bit....emotional, if you will, and tonight, in fact the last few days, have proven to be a little bit emotional for me. I love opening up here, being transparent, and really talking about how I feel on this blog, not only because you guys are so awesome, understanding, comforting, and receptive, but also because it's therapeutic in a sense for me. I also find that sometimes my words can resonate or touch someone in ways that I never expected them to, and I am surprised to learn that they have helped someone or at the very least, opened someone up to be more understanding.
So here is your warning, I am going to be transparent here! I am not good at faking it. I'm a terrible liar. I was just created that way. And I think people appreciate that about me. In fact, while we were in Indianapolis for a pre surgery appointment last week, there was a camera crew following us. They wanted a shot of us walking through the hospital front doors, so they were waiting inside when we came in. Once we got inside, they asked us to do it again, except this time, they wanted my parents out of the shot and just me, Chris, and the boys to walk in. It did not sit well with me. I know it's not significant in any way, but I really did not enjoy "faking" our entrance into the hospital.

So anyways, I wanted to talk about how I am feeling these days, 12 days before Christian has major surgery. I have to admit, I'm definitely using this as an opportunity to sort those emotions out myself in the midst of a flurry of things that I am trying to process and deal with. So if you're willing to continue along with me, I'm about to spill it! :)

I've been asked often what my greatest fear is when it comes to Christian, and I actually have two. One being how others will treat him when he's older and how that will affect his self esteem, confidence, and attitude. The other, surgery.

The surgery Christian has coming up will be his 5th surgery total, but will the the 2nd most major surgery he has ever had. During the surgery, Dr. Roberto Flores at Riley Children's Hospital will begin a two stage process to create a palate, or roof, in Christian's mouth. This surgery will take approximately 1 1/2 to 2 hours, and Christian will spend about 2 days in the hospital post op.

Every time I think about it, I get this pit hit my stomach. This feeling comes over me that I can't describe, but I can tell you it nearly brings me to tears. We've had some bad experiences when it comes to Christian's surgeries, with little to no pain management taking place, irresponsible pain management, and even walking into recovery to swoop him into my arms only to find his screaming and pouring blood from his mouth (after an ear tube placement.) Thankfully, that hospital and those circumstances are in the past, and we never have to be at the mercy of that kind of care ever again. This has helped my anxiety level more than I can describe. I fully trust the doctor that will be caring for Christian. He has proven by his actions that he cares about Christian personally, and to me, that is SUCH an amazing thing. Maybe it's a lot to ask, but as Christian's mom, I can ask no less than that any doctor performing any procedure on my baby to treat him just as if that was their child lying on that table. I feel like we have finally found someone who will.

Everything about surgery is scary to me. Handing Christian over to a nurse, his little hands reaching for me, it absolutely breaks my heart. He doesn't understand who these people are, or why his mommy is leaving him. Add to that that he can't see who's taking him or where he's going and it just absolutely shatters me. Waiting is no fun either. It's a time when I feel like I need to be doing something, but can't figure out what it is. I can't sit still for long, I can't stand for long. I just bounce back and forth, pace, I'm just jittery and nervous and anxious. Chris tells me constantly to sit, but it's just impossible. And then, going back to recovery is one of those things that I dread but can't wait to do all at the same time. I can't wait to get Christian in my arms and tell him I'm there and let him know that it's going to be ok. And at the same time, I'm terrified to walk back there and find him moaning or screaming (I've experienced both), and see blood pouring, swelling, and bruises already starting to form. To see his beautiful little face not smiling. Seeing him in pain like that is just about as close to the threshold of what I can handle as it gets. The days that follow are no more fun. Round the clock pain meds, trying to keep him comfortable, no sleep for anyone, praying that he will feel better soon.

The days before surgery, though, are unique in their own way. They have a way of stressing everyone out, making us all on edge. Tempers are short, sleep is lacking, fear is elevated. As I'm pampering Christian and probably letting him get away with way more than he should, I'm snapping and losing my cool way to easily with others. Meanwhile, Chris is handling it in his own way, which is to isolate himself (I suspect in an attempt to block out the reality of what is about to happen but I can't speak for him). Chris and I are like oil and water anyways, so you can imagine how this goes. Nothing seems to go smoothly, and even the smallest annoyances turn into HUGE issues in that scenario.